Boobs, Sandwiches, and... a Boner

Willy and I decided to stop and get a sub sandwich before continuing to the U. The shop's garish green and red "OPEN" sign was lit, so we walked in with our guns tucked into our waistline. Willy mentioned his concern that it was entirely possible for the gun to go off with castrating consequences, so I clicked my safety on.
There were no people that we could see or hear. The place look as if everyone had just run out of the building, leaving their food slowly moldering on the table; like a fire drill, but without the annoying squelches.
"Hello?" I said hesitantly. "I really want a sandwich!"
"Hey, Isaac. You know all those corpses we've seen outside? I think that may have something to do with the emptiness in here. Just guessing."
"It pays to be polite."
I hopped over the cashier counter and landed with what was (I like to imagine) a graceful "thunk."
The refrigeration seemed to be working and the bread fresh, so I started putting together a roast beef sandwich on whole wheat bread. After all, the apocalypse was no time to forget about sandwiches.
"What can I make you, sir?" I said in my best pubescent voice.
"I'll have uhhhh... ummm...." Willy said in his best moron customer voice, somehow incorporating a southern accent into it.
His expression changed abruptly, staring behind me. It appeared to be a mixture betwee horror and sexual attraction. I slowly turned.
I should take this time to interject a key feature of the male mind, in case females haven't figure this one out. Anytime female nudity is present, it kind of blocks most other features out for at least a second, or up to... about 35 years.
The girl was shuffling towards us uncertainly with a blank stare I normally only associated with a cheerleader attempting to understand something. Well, anything.
Her bloodshot eyes has a sort of wild feral gaze, her mouth hanging open and dribbling blood. Oh yeah, she was completely naked.
I yanked my 9mm out and pulled the trigger. I pulled it a few more times, before she jerked back sideways and lay still on the ground.
I glanced over my shoulder to see Willy still holding the smoking .38 special. I looked at my gun. The safety was on. "They always told me to put the safety on or terrible things would happen. I think some rules will need to be rewritten."
Willy lowered his gun and put it in his pocket. "If I'm out shooting gorgeous naked infected, I'm not going to be writing rules down." He folded his arms into his thinking pose, finger in his nose. "What do you think, are computer games better than the real thing?"
It was a valid question. We played first-person shooters almost exclusively, with the occasional blast back to the old games.
"I don't know. Ammo might be more difficult to find out here, but it's also a lot easier to make a melee weapon. But, you know, only one life out here."
He nodded. "One, unless you get infected, which we can't."
I heard the sliding on the floor and looked down. The girl was crawling through a pool of darkening-blood with the same cheerleader expression, but a little more pissed-off.
"Hey Willy, jump over here for a second. We need to check something for science."
He hopped over and promptly jumped back onto the counter, fumbling again for his weapon.
"No!" I yelled, "Don't shoot her! Just hold her down for a second."
Willy glanced at me with a raised eyebrow. "What? Look, I know it's been awhile, but under the circumstances, I don't think you should.."
"Willy, I'm not gonna pork a zombie." The girl was only a few feet away now. She picked herself off the floor.
"Fine." He inched his way around the side of her as I slowly climbed back onto the counter. She glanced over at Willy, who froze solid.
"Hey you ornery shoulder-leaking period bitch! Over here!" I yelled and jumped up and down on the counter. She looked back at me and growled in a surprisingly animal voice.
"Jump on her!" I yelled.
Willy yelled and sprinted a few steps from behind her, before slipping on the blood and sliding into her legs. She flopped over backwards and smacked her head on the floor, lying still.
Willy picked himself back up while scrambling towards the counter. "Well, she seems to be down. And leaking. From her head."
"Great." I crouched by her form and put my hand on her neck. "There's no pulse." I said.
Willy frowned and adopted his thinking pose again, nearly putting his finger in his nose before seeing the blood on it. "So, she's been dead for a bit, or her heart stopped when she fell?"
I stood back up. "I think they are actually zombies, like, proper dead zombies." My suspicions were confirmed when she groaned and started to right herself.
BLAM! Willy popped her in the head this time.
"I'm not going to try to figure this one out until after we get the vaccine out there, Willy stated matter-of-factly.
"Why was she naked in here?" I mumbled, half to myself.
"Maybe she was taking a really big-" Willy started and looked back towards the bathrooms. "There's your answer."
A young man, mostly-dressed in his sub-shop uniform, was waddling towards us with his pants around his ankles. His penis was sticking straight out and making a sickening fap fap fap sound as he tried to walk.
"Hanky-Panky in the bathroom, eh? What a way to go!" Willy was grinning and aiming.
I pushed his hand aside and pulled out my 9mm. "I get one too."
BLAM!
Perfect. Fucking. Headshot.
Now, to wash our hands and eat our sandwiches.