Willy Screws a Virus

"Shitshitshitshitshitshit!!!" Willy yelled, throwing open the door to the apartment, which crashed open with a loud "bang," waking the rest of us from our slumber on and near the couch.
We didn't ask, we just stared, waiting for the inevitable story. He tossed his longboard on the floor with anouth "bang," and set the white, Styrofoam cooler on the coffee table.
Despite his obvious hurry, he took the time to remove his polished boots.
Finishing, he jumped back up and opened the cooler. "I need to inject you guys with something right now." We all stood up to look in the cooler. Two 25 mL vials were packed in ice, and a packaged needle was sitting on top.
I raised an eyebrow as he ripped the needle out of the packaging. "I don't know whether to smack you for thinking that you are going to inject us with something, or smack you because you only brought one needle for three people."
He paused, looking at the needle in his hand. "Well, none of you have AIDS or the HIV, right? Or... Ebola?"
He was the master of making things work that were not supposed to.
Angie spoke up. "Back up, and tell us... what the fuck."
I backed her up. "Slow down, and breathe a little."
He took a deep breath and blew it out his nose in a hissing nose. "Alright. You remember how I said I was going to cure cancer?"
We all nodded.
"Well, we were actually really close to it. We modified a virus so it would only attack cancer cells. But, that wasn't all. We had to use it in conjunction with another virus that um, 'enhanced' the way the body heals itself. That way, we could inject the virus and it wouldn't attack more than it was supposed to."
We all knew he was trying his hardest to translate his research into 'people terms.'
I motioned with my hand. "...And?"
"Well, it worked on rats. But, you remember a couple days ago when Jesse had that nasty tumor removed from his leg?" We remembered. He was irked because the doctors wouldn't let him help cut it out.
"Yes, vividly."
"Okay. The idiot decided to come into work, even though he wasn't supposed to walk for another couple days.
"He was working on the virus, but dropped the dish on the table, spilling the mess on his leg. He didn't put the inhibitor virus in it, either."
"So, he's out sick and somehow we need a shot?" Angie said.
"Well, kind of. He cussed like a Mormon for a minute, then passed out on the floor. Here's where it gets more interesting."
He thought for moment, forming his words carefully.
"We work with a lot of viruses. When one looks particularly unpleasant, I take the extra time to find a suitable vaccine for it. I did so with this one a couple months ago, when we started testing. I've been immune to this virus for almost two weeks now."
Kate was poking her belly-bruises. "You injected untested virus into yourself?"
"Yeah! You know how many hurdles a drug company has to go through to get a drug approved for humanoid use? It didn't kill the rats, so I thought, hell, why not."
"How did you use find the vaccine?" I said.
"You know how vaccines work, right?" Two of us nodded. I won't tell you who didn't.
"Fine. Think about the Smallpox vaccine. You take a similar virus that doesn't kill humans, inject it, your white cells go apeshit on it, and through the magic of science, you don't catch normal Smallpox." He made a biting motion with his hand while describing the epic battle of man-vs.-vaccine. "So, that's pretty much what I did."
Angie rolled her eyes. "So, why do we need this vaccine?"
"Oh, right! Well, Jesse cussed and passed out like a pussy, then got up and tried to attack me. His eyes were bloodshot and he was growling.
"I jimmy-rigged a lock on the door when I ran out, and grabbed my stash from the freezer. I skated home as fast as I could. Just in case this turns out to be an epidemic, I have to get you covered."
Angie crossed her arms. "I remain unconvinced."
"Fine. When I ran out of the building, Jesse had already broken down the door and was violating a group of students who were attempting General Chemistry I. As I ran by, I definitely heard screaming and biting."
"How the hell do you hear biting?" Kate asked.
"It sounds like a scream, followed by what sounds like somebody trying to tear a steak while gargling."
Kate held her arm out. "Good enough for me. I mean, you're not dead."
Angie paled more than her normal self, making her look already-dead. "I don't like needles."
"You'll be fine. It's just sharp metal going into your vein. Nothing to worry about. Do you have any rubbing alcohol?"
"No. The homeless guy drank it."
"Everclear?"
"Duh!" Angie jumped up and ran into the kitchen.
Willy furrowed his brow. "Aren't you guys supposed to be at work?"
We each were injected by Willy's mystery virus and inhibitor, after Everclear-sterilizing. Angie promptly passed out on the couch, until we slapped her a few times.